I have been gone, yes GONE from the YYS blog and from myself for that matter. The fact is, YYS has not been my focus for the past few months but rather my healing from what once again is a death in my life. This time the death was my marriage.
They say life doesn’t send you what you can’t handle. I’m not sure that I am a believer of that. I pretty much was at the end of my ability. No matter how many times we say we will stand up, be better, come out the other end or what ever the crazy people out there share with you in your moment of hardship, I have come to believe you need to weep, suffer, hurt and wonder before you can pick yourself up, dust off the slime and say but not really believe you’ll be OK.
So here I am a soon to be 50 year old woman (next Thursday) trying to figure out who I am. After 20 years, Hubby is no longer Hubby. I have lost who I was, my home, my extended family, some of my friends (not all thank God), potentially my dogs (I have had to already find a home for Daegan as finding a place to stay with a large let alone 2 dogs was a nightmare), and I have had to figure out how I am going to support myself. Unfortunately as much as I love Yummy Yarn Studio, it is a gift with a few extra dollars not a life kept.
I am not looking for pity. I will not be bitter. I will wallow (less every day). I will cry (less every day). I am afraid, alone and confused.
So far I have learned:
there are no answers
tomorrow happens whether you are ready for it or not
friends are everything
the universe is giving me what I need and I shouldn’t confuse that with what I want
the box of kleenex is never where I need it
did I mention friends are EVERYTHING!
I have struggled with writing again. My Chicks with Stix knitting group said keep it about Wilson, keep it about the yarn, you don’t need to explain….
But this is where I have shared the happy, the sad and the everyday workings of this yarn wench. I think K said it best when she said just write. The words will be there and now that the “family” is in the circle of know, I feel I can write.
Today was a blue day. Tomorrow may be red but it could also be pink or green. I don’t know yet. What I do know is that it will be tomorrow.
Daegan, His last day with me, looking as regal as ever.