Making up for lost time

I have been gone, yes GONE from the YYS blog and from myself for that matter. The fact is, YYS has not been my focus for the past few months but rather my healing from what once again is a death in my life. This time the death was my marriage.

They say life doesn’t send you what you can’t handle. I’m not sure that I am a believer of that. I pretty much was at the end of my ability. No matter how many times we say we will stand up, be better, come out the other end or what ever the crazy people out there share with you in your moment of hardship, I have come to believe you need to weep, suffer, hurt and wonder before you can pick yourself up, dust off the slime and say but not really believe you’ll be OK.

So here I am a soon to be 50 year old woman (next Thursday) trying to figure out who I am. After 20 years, Hubby is no longer Hubby. I have lost who I was, my home, my extended family, some of my friends (not all thank God), potentially my dogs (I have had to already find a home for Daegan as finding a place to stay with a large let alone 2 dogs was a nightmare), and I have had to figure out how I am going to support myself. Unfortunately as much as I love Yummy Yarn Studio, it is a gift with a few extra dollars not a life kept.

I am not looking for pity. I will not be bitter. I will wallow (less every day). I will cry (less every day). I am afraid, alone and confused.

So far I have learned:
there are no answers
tomorrow happens whether you are ready for it or not
friends are everything
the universe is giving me what I need and I shouldn’t confuse that with what I want
the box of kleenex is never where I need it
did I mention friends are EVERYTHING!

I have struggled with writing again. My Chicks with Stix knitting group said keep it about Wilson, keep it about the yarn, you don’t need to explain….

But this is where I have shared the happy, the sad and the everyday workings of this yarn wench. I think K said it best when she said just write. The words will be there and now that the “family” is in the circle of know, I feel I can write.

Today was a blue day. Tomorrow may be red but it could also be pink or green. I don’t know yet. What I do know is that it will be tomorrow.

April 13

Daegan, His last day with me, looking as regal as ever.

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About Yummy Yarn Studio

Always an entrepreneur, I am striving to combine my loves of fibre art and business.
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16 Responses to Making up for lost time

  1. NOREEN says:

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. SAM!!!!

    • I am breathing Noreen.

      • NOREEN says:

        OMG i wish I could help. Although I know that every day that you find yourself breathing in fact you have healed a bit more.
        When and not if, you notice a second or two without that soul numbing pain please take note and celebrate in some way because you are winning.
        You are in my thoughts

  2. andrea says:

    I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I do know the darkness. The last few months have been the hardest of my life and that doesn’t even include my divorce. My daughter has been very unstable and I did not know it was possible to hurt this much. I agree that you need to hurt and I totally get saying that You will be okay but not actually believing it! You are not alone and I have to go and find the damn Kleenex.

  3. My heart is with you. I am still upset about how my life, as I expected it, veered off on an uncharted course. I was married for 19 years before I parted ways. I too was afraid, scared and swamped. I had three kids to get up and care for each day, a full time job and grad school. Money was tight, there were many tears and confrontations but now, after time to heal and reinvent…… I can’t imagine why I wanted to stay living that sad life. You will come to discover that you are so much stronger than you ever knew. Each day brings the opportunity to try again. Much love and hugs.

  4. Lish says:

    we’ve never met, but I am a fan of your beautiful yarn. I am saddened to hear about your struggles. As a paralegal who used to work in family law, it will get better. you will feel better, and more importantly: everyone has their own journey & timeline. focus on doing what is important & things that you do love & surround yourself with those that love you.
    What i found to help a lot last year when we nearly lost Mom was writing. Sometimes it was on my laptop while we spend agonizing hours in hospital waiting rooms, sometimes it was late at night when i couldn’t sleep. it allowed me to purge (nearly) all of the frustrations and fears, and sometimes articulate all of the crazy thoughts careening around in my brain so that the next day, or during the next update from the neverending parade of physicians I could sound like a rational human being. Even if you’re not posting here, try writing it out.
    While i was in those waiting rooms, i knit myself a pair of socks from your cookie monster blue & another pair as gift in your blueberry colourway. you helped me through some of my darkest, most fear-filled hours. i just kept on knitting. If i can ever return the favour in any small way, i’d be more than happy to do what i can. Lish009

  5. Leanne says:

    I wish I could be there to give you hugs. Virtual hugs will have to do. HUUUUUUGGGGSS! I hope you receive much love and support from your chicks. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You have given support to many of us so freely, may you receive the same care and encouragement. Remember, you have inspired many.

  6. Thinking of you. You will overcome. One stitch at a time…

  7. andrea says:

    People are amazing! So much space to heal, and grow at your own pace from all the commenters here. It it heartwarming to see.

  8. Mary says:

    Sam, I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish there was something profound I could say to take your pain away!
    One moment at a time, one day at a time.

    Please let me know if I can do anything.. perhaps a coffee? Know that I am thinking of you. and you are in my prayers.

    Our paths may have changed slightly, but I remember when I met you, and I remember that big heart of yours!

  9. Lena says:

    Hugs. Hugs. And more hugs. Come out for a drive. We can fly some kites, lie in the grass, dream.

  10. Anne Dunham says:

    I read this a day or two ago and have been thinking of you–and a friend’s daughter too. Your lives have been ripped open. Mine was too many years ago. But I know both of you are strong women and you will survive this. Both of you have already started by sharing this. Our lives, like our knitted pieces, are not always perfect. The holes in them can be fixed, even though the yarn may be of a different color.

  11. See? It’s not just us local chix that love you and think you “worthy”…you have touched so many of us in so many ways. Now that you are starting to believe in yourself again, you can take these warm thoughts and genuinee wishes and run like the wind toward your next great adventure. And great it will be.

    xxx ooo

    J

  12. Anne B. says:

    Thinking of you Sam and wishing you peace and love. Please go and have a listen to Bob Marley “Three Little Birds” and hopefully you will feel a tiny bit better.

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